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Starting or JumpStarting
your D/s Relationship 
You and your significant other are either looking to add D/s dynamics to your relationship, or are in the need of a jump start to revitalize the D/s in your relationship. How do you approach this subject? What are you going to say? What are you hoping to achieve? The following process encourages controlled, open conversation. It can be used by anyone interested in any aspect of D/s, not just service-oriented partners (which is my personal preference, as you may be aware).
There are three basic steps to creating or recreating successful
D/s relationships:
- 1. Clearing the Slate
- 2. Discussing Interests and Needs
- 3. Implementing a Routine
Repeat 2 and 3 as needed over time...
Clearing the Slate:
The key to a successful 24/7 D/s relationship is divorcing yourselves of your prior conceptions of female dominance. Every person carries some baggage regarding D/s. Certain types of images are immediately conjured up when you discuss it. The submissive male may have fantasy-style images of what a dominant woman is / does, etc. His partner has images as well. In some cases they may be what's kept her away from this type of activity all her life. When they first discuss it, she may view the activities she envisions as 'sick' or in the 'different strokes for different folks' category - depending on her level of tolerance. In order to move forward toward D/s, both partners must start by wiping the slate clean; divorcing themselves of prior imagery.
When two people fall in love, the love they experience is different than anyone else's in the world. The unique combination of personalities and experiences make up a unique bond which works for them. To try to force a particular 'style' of love on a relationship is usually a recipe for unhappiness and dissatisfaction. They need to experience it together, compromise for each other, and reach a common experience which is uniquely theirs. The same is true for D/s. If you try to force a particular style of D/s activity into your relationship, one or both of you will likely be unsatisfied. So you need to define your own individual approach together.
Discussing Interests and Needs:
Once you both understand that 24/7 D/s will be uniquely different for the two of you and have cleared the slate of your preconceived ideas, you can sit down together and determine what D/s will mean to your relationship. You cannot, however, just blindly start discussing D/s!
I recommend you do this within a certain framework which identifies the intent and beneficiaries of D/s activities. If you can relate the
things you discuss to the framework, you will find it easier to reach common ground.
The Framework - Intent & Context:
Intent & Context comprise the first element of this framework. The submissive male most likely has held the door for many women in his life - or given up his seat on a train - or even offered to fetch a glass of wine, all without any hints of D/s. Or, he may have done so fantasizing that he were serving and felt inwardly excited by it. The reason (Intent) we do something has much more to do with submission than the act we perform. Knowledge over the intent of actions, regardless of how commonplace, create an understanding between partners which stimulates on a D/s level.
Additionally, agreeing on the contexts of an action is key. For example, something as simplistic and non-fetish as requiring the submissive partner to touch his left ear when entering or exiting the presence of the dominant partner when in public can escalate levels of excitement of both partners, simply because both parties understand the intent of such an action. Sometimes, the more insignificant and silly the action is, the more exciting it becomes!
As you discuss the activities which comprise your D/s power exchange, consider the context of submissive intent. For example: Is it 24/7? - Is it for a weekend at a time? - Is it public or just private? - Not when dealing with the kids?). This is critical to a complete understanding and certainty.
The Framework - Beneficiaries:
The second element of the framework is a mutual understanding of the source of your actions and an agreement as to the beneficiaries of your actions. Most things you two do together in the name of D/s will be oriented toward pleasing her - the dominant partner. Some things she will do will be geared towards pleasing you as well. The key is in understanding why you take the actions you do (we've already discussed intent) and who benefits from the actions - and how. Avoid assuming that your partner enjoys a particular activity for the same reasons you do. As you discuss the activities which will comprise your D/s power exchange, consider not only who is benefiting but what they consider the benefit to be. Doing so will help you quickly clarify which actions belong in your D/s spectrum, and which don't.
The Discussion:
Once you've established a framework which outlines a mutual understanding of what the intents and benefits are, it's time to discuss the things you'd like to do in a D/s relationship relative to that framework. Once again, this is a unique discussion between unique individuals (I doubt you'll find earlobe touching in any movie on this subject...LOL!).
The Completed Pass:
Dominance and submission is analogous to completing a pass in American football. In order for it to be completed, someone needs to throw it and the intended target needs to catch it. In the vernacular of D/s, for an action to be considered submissive, it must be accepted by a 'position of dominance'. This means an action must be interpreted by the dominant partner as having submissive intent and must be accepted by the dominant partner as beneficial to her/him. The corollary is also true; only actions accepted by a position of dominance will be deemed by either partner as submissive. These definitions occur at a very deep and often subconscious level, but
they always happen. Very often, the D/s aspects of relationships fail because one or both partners realize (consciously, or not) that the acts being performed in the guise of submission, are not really submissive at all.
To clarify the concept - make believe in their discussions of D/s activities, the submissive male suggests he greet his partner each
day by kneeling and kissing her feet. He may think of it as an act of submission and something which she may enjoy in feeling her power and position. In fact, it's so submissive to him, he gets very turned on by the act of doing it, maybe even just the thought of doing it. Let's say, however, that it does not have the same appeal to her. She may not enjoy seeing him down there and may feel uncomfortable in that position. Still, she may enjoy the fact that he enjoys it so much. She may feel empowered, not by the 'submissive' gesture on his part, but by the implicit control of his excitement (ie: I can get him aroused
at will).
In such an example, kissing her feet is not a submissive act. The pleasure of the act itself is his alone The notion of having him kiss her feet is not something she feels dominant about even though she does derive enjoyment from it. The key is, it is not received from a position of dominance and therefore it is NOT submissive. In fact, were she to demand it of him, she'd be giving him a gift. It's an action FOR him.
The mistake people often make is to work such activities into their daily routines and protocols in the name of submission. Then they wonder why the domme's interest wanes over time. The reason is simple: consciously or not, she realizes this action is not really
about submission and resents the fact that she's doing it for the
wrong reason.
This is not to say foot kissing should be banned from this relationship. The fact that it's not a submissive act for this couple doesn't mean it doesn't have a place. For example, if she's in a good mood, feels like turning him on, she may have him go to his knees and kiss her feet. It's the act of LETTING him do it which is the dominant act, since she is controlling his pleasure.
So as you discuss what should be in your D/s routine and lifestyle, think about completing the pass.
The Actual Discussion:
The first thing to discuss is the approach the dominant partner like her submissive to take. Fundamentally, there are two approaches to submission, 'active' and 'passive'. An active submissive strives to anticipate the needs of his partner, acting without needing to be asked/ordered provided his efforts are in the interests of the domme. The passive submissive does only what he's asked to do, may make suggestions, but predominantly awaits orders. Different dommes will desire different approaches to submission. Some want a combination of approaches in certain contexts. Try to clear this hurdle first, it will help you do define the remainder of your activities.
Next, focus on those activities which she wants and enjoys and will accept from a position of dominance. These are good candidates for routine acts of submission and 'protocol'. You will each need to contribute ideas to this discussion. Discuss the context and schedule,
if appropriate.
Follow that by a discussion of things which the sub male likes or wants to do, but which the dominant partner does not accept from a position of dominance. She should take note of these items and consider them for gifts / rewards. Only if there is a strong pleasure for her derivable from the activity should it be included in a routine. I warn her to strongly consider what it will be like to have the activity 'expected' in a routine way. Some things are better left to frequent gifts. Lastly, actions to which she is vehemently opposed should be discussed to find potential compromises. Barring a successful compromise, they must be openly rejected.
At the end you will have a list of activities and actions, either written down or discussed. Review the list. Truly submissive actions (those accepted in dominance) which both partners enjoy, as well as compromised items which are still considered submissive, are obviously win-win situations. You should consider establishing a regimen consisting of these items. Hopefully, there will be many
of them.
Items which fall into the compromised category or the non-submissive category, but are still acceptable to the dominant partner will be
gifts and treats for the submissive partner...and should be appreciated as such.
Items which fall into the rejected category should be weighed against the value of the relationship. If there is something in the rejected category which outweighs the importance of the relationship for one of the partners and cannot be compromised, the relationship is in jeopardy and needs to be reconsidered.
Implementing a Routine:
Once you've set the parameters for your routine, including the context under which the actions are to take place, implement the routine and begin the process of giving feedback to each other. If an active submission is desired, the routine will rapidly increase in scope as each newly thought up action may be added to the routine set.
In general, there will be addition and deletion of actions in the routine. The proper feedback and open communication, if properly encouraged, will prompt both of you to go back to the discussion and implementation steps over time as you fine-tune the D/s aspects of your relationship.
This is an ongoing process. Don't expect it to all work at once. Also expect your likes to change over time. Don't forget you have a relationship under all this D/s which allows you to step away from time to time.
Most importantly, keep open communications...and GOOD LUCK!!!!!
- Rika.
© 2001 MsRika
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