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To the newly initiated, the D/s relationship seems about as close to perfect as one would think possible. Here we find a romance based on total dedication and neverending sexual tension and focus. The Domme is all knowing, all powerful...she can anticipate the thoughts of her sub and take him to places of which he could only dream. She is in control, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, every week of every year. Her every action is coldly calculated to further enforce her position of authority. She is an image of perfection...and D/s absorbs her life.
News flash: "Bullshit!"
As a culture, we attempt to label perfection as if it actually exists. We view artificial images of perfection every time we are assaulted with a beer advertisement, pick up a celebrity magazine, look at a Barbie doll, or read a romance novel. Unfortunately, we also see artificial images of perfection when we watch a BDSM movie, visit the web page of a professional Dom/me, read D/s-oriented magazines and stories, and yes, even when we chat in the online rooms.
Intellectually, we are all aware that Romance novels are fiction, beer makes for big bellies, and the most beautiful women in the world don't look at all like Barbie. Yet, perhaps because many "newly-D/s'd" don't have exposure to the often concealed worlds of real lifestyle D/s people, they don't seem aware that the images they are being fed are predominantly fantasy - hype.
The inherent danger in assuming truth in the marketed and cyber images of BDSM and D/s is one of unmanaged expectations. If you believe honestly, that once you enter into one of these idealized realtionships D/s will consume you in happiness and satisfaction, you're destined for disappointment. Will you be happier? Will you feel more fulfilled? I surely hope so! But if you expect perfection, you'll be happier if you stay in fantasyland.
At an individual level, the Dom/me that you see in the movies, pay for a session, or talk to in the chat room has the luxury of being 'on' for a relatively brief period of time. You can't get a real frame of reality this way. If you take that image home with you, believing that YOUR partner will somehow compare to that image, you are putting a huge amount of pressure on him/her and you will certainly bothbe unsatisfied. Worse yet, you may feel that YOU don't measure up and end up with destructive self doubts.
The facts are simple: Lifestyle D/s people are just people! We all have non-D/s desires, interests, hang-ups, and vulnerabilities. No one is 'On' all the time. In real life, the phone rings, the baby cries, and our interests change.
~ Being in the D/s lifestyle doesn't protect you from the fundamental ~
~ frailties of the foundation upon which all interaction is built ~
~~THE RELATIONSHIP ~~
Understanding the two tiered structure of the D/s relationship and coming to grips with the 'sources of intent' of your actions are good ways to gain a level-sited approach to D/s (read "Attributes of the D/s Relationship"). Understanding where you and your partner are coming from and learning to place less expectations on their behaviour (and less stringent measurement on your own), will increase your enjoyment and satisfaction.
Enter into your D/s relationships aware of reality. Take what you see and read with a measure of objectivity. Managing your expectations is no one else's responsibility...it's yours alone. Don't expect perfection; from yourself or your partner. Real Life, even in the D/s lifestyle, is not a Romance novel!
My love,
Rika
© 2000 MsRika
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