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Cold's Story
"Everyday of my life he is a constant reminder
by living with this. Is it worth it??"
Some of you know me personally, some only through the computer. Some of you may not of ever heard of me. I am writing this in the hopes of saving someone from going through the anguish and heartache that I and my family have gone through.
My nickname on Chat is Cold as Ice1. I am 38 years old. I have a family consisting of three children and three step children. The older two step children do not live with me but I was very close to them. Living at home are my three children. Lisa is 19. Shelley is 13 and Daniel is 7. My step daughter 18 also lives with us. I also take care of my father. Although in the conventional manner of speaking I am still married. I live with my husband we have not had a typical marriage in the past year and a half.
When I started on Prodigy in February of 1994 I was new to the computer world. I was very busy taking care of many people. I was a girlscout leader. Two of my children have emotional problems and one a physical problem. I was at the school volunteering or at meetings. I was taking care of my dad's household also by paying his bills doing his shopping, laundry, taking him to the doctors etc. I was also the person to call at 3:00am in the morning when someone had a problem. I guess what I am trying to say is that I was Betty Crocker to the max. I devoted my life to others.
Even through all this I was very lonely inside. I felt loved as a mom, friend, sister, daughter but not as a woman. I was 350lbs and didn't take very good care of myself.
When I started playing on the computer it was so different. I would go on the bulletin boards in the weight loss section and go to the pets bulletin boards. I started to lose weight and joined a weight loss group who had a bulletin board through prodigy. Then a friend told me about chat.
I first started in Chat searching around going from room to room. I couldn't believe some of the rooms. I didn't know whether to be shocked, insulted or just go with the flow. I soon found the Big Beautiful Women's room. It was fun and before I knew it I was having the old cyber sex. I don't know why but hey it wasn't pigging out and eating. I don't know about all of you but I never found it very stimulating. I then went on to phone sex. I didn't think anything was wrong with it after all I wasn't doing anything unsafe. I didn't think I was cheating cause it wasn't in person. Anyway I was having cyber-phone with some guy and it seemed that I was always the one on my knees serving him. He said to me why don't you go to the D/s rooms. D/s what the heck is that I asked him. He said go there and find out. I had never heard of D/s S&M or anything like that. I ventured on over there and met (cyber only) my first Dom. I was cyber-collared from him and learning from step one. I would ask his permission to come into the room. I wouldn't even talk in the room unless he ordered me to. When I first found out he had another sub I was heart-broken and cried.
We talked on the phone and he told me that I had to learn a lot about D/s. I have always been pretty stubborn and asked to be released. Through the months I learned then trudged along through cyber/phone Master after Master. I had so many tears I couldn't tell you. All these over some people I had never met. I met people through chat but only as friends. I continued to loose weight and felt very wanted and desired by these cyber Masters even though I hadn't met them. I fought with other subs over Masters as Vampy can well attest to. I also judged people I had no right to judge. I also became very addicted to Chat. I was letting my house go. My bills and credit were being ruined. I had five accounts and bills in the hundreds. I also was not getting any sleep. My husband would come home to me at the computer, go to sleep with me at the computer and wake up with me at the computer. I didn't cook very much and it was all I could do to get my kids ready for school. I justified my actions by saying I have been doing for everyone for years and now it is my time to do for me. I blamed my lack of caring for my husband on him. I would tell him things like "well I warned you for years that if you didn't make me feel like a woman I would cross the line and it would be too late." I started to go out to bars with friends. I was looking good. I started taking to good care of myself getting my nails done, having my hair done and buying new clothes. I was feeling for the first time in 13 years wanted and desired as a woman. I would wait on Chat for hours at a time just for my Master at the time to come on. Even if it was for just a few minutes. Coming on to Chat was the highlight of my life. My heart would actually race as the modem kicked in and I couldn't wait to enter the room.
In September I decided to put my opinions where my mouth was and to have a real session with a Dom. I met him and had a wonderful and SAFE totally S&M Session. He did not want to collar me because he felt he couldn't put into a Master sub relationship what he felt was needed for a bond. I was heartbroken feeling that I didn't please him. Now I totally understand where he was coming from. But I thought at least I tried it real-time and I liked it.
After that I was approached by a Master who said that he was in the scene for over 20 years and was looking for a sub and knew I wasn't collared. We were not that far away from each other. He lived and worked about 45 minutes away from me. We eventually met and had a session. It was also safe. He wanted to collar me but I had hopes of being collared by the first Dom that sessioned me. This new Master doted on me he was firm and really seemed to know what he was doing. He would take me to dinner and go places with me. In the beginning couple of weeks things were purely straight and safe S&M. There is a lot more to this but I can not get into it at this time. It is just to painful. After a couple of weeks of seeing him and talking to him both on the phone and the computer I agreed to be collared. From there on things got sexual and not safe. I didn't question him after all he was the Master although when first meeting him he told me he was married and when asked told me he didn't have AIDs or any sexually transmitted disease. He did tell me that he had had Hepatitis B but that he was not catchy. I didn't question him after all he was the Master. I never would question a Master. Peter {Lord Laurant can attest to my seriousness in S&M. I did not stop calling him or any Master Sir until a year ago.
By the time my Master progressed to unsafe S&M practices and sex I was totally committed to him and could not imagine even living without him. You see most of us know that it is not the physical Domming that makes the bond, it is the emotional Domming.
I was Dommed hook line and sinker. I felt wonderful knowing that I was wanted appreciated and I loved the attention he gave me. I would do anything to please him. Unfortunately pleasing him meant very sadistic practices. I totally trusted him and can not tell you what a hold this man had over me. He knew the right things to say and through it all I still believe that he loved me.
Our S&M practices were now what I can call bizarre I can not go into this also as it is to painful for me. Besides I don't think people still believe that I was whipped over 500 times in a single session. I know this because I counted.
I was taken to an S&M Club where I was whipped, caned, cropped, beaten till I bled. I would have large blood clots on my breasts. I felt happy that I pleased him. I thought I was a great sub. Lioness can attest to this as she stopped a scene that Master was doing with me out of concern for me. Lord Laurent can also attest to this as he saw me, Dommed and expressed his concern to me. He told me when I was being Dommed I was not even there and I wasn't I was in another place. I was in the frame of mind that nothing could stop me from pleasing Master and I would endure anything. He told me that what Master had just done to me was not being Dommed it was being abused. I felt like the good sub when I told Master this. He told me that people just didn't understand that there were different levels of S&M and we were just hard core and that I should be proud that I could endure what their subs could not. I was proud.
Master would call me at 1:30 in the morning -- he worked nights and have me drive almost an hour to rub his feet for 45 minutes on his dinner break. I would drive back home after that. What did I get in return -- the pride of knowing I pleased him. The pride of knowing that I was real-time and not cyber. Besides we also did vanilla things like go to dinner or movies. Of course I paid most of the time. I also was becoming a very respected sub online and that was very important to me. Masters would tell me they wished I was their sub. I now realise in a sick way this was all making me feel good and important.
In February of 95 I started to feel sick. I went to the doctor and to make a long story short I found out I had HepB. I was upset and scared. The hardest thing was having to have all my children and husband have blood tests for HepB. They all came back negative but had to have three shots each. I had to eat out of paper plates and couldn't kiss my own children. I felt like a leper. My selfishness had caused my children to suffer. Watching my son cry knowing he had to have a shot and knowing it was because of me is something that brings tears to me even now. I thought it could not get any worse. I was so sick. I had a rash and the highest temperature of my life. I still went to my Master. I still rubbed his feet for hours. I still pleased him. I remember running a high fever with a bladder infection so bad I was bleeding. It didn't stop him from the fisting or the whippings.
About two weeks after the HepB diagnosis Master told me he had a terminal illness and that was why he was having a hard time leaving his wife. He felt he owed her something. I asked what that illness was and he finally told me he had HIV. I will remember this day as if it was today. Riding in the car with him and him telling me this. My whole body rushed out just like you see in a movie where everything zooms in on you. I was crying and quite hysterical. I told him he lied to me and he said no I didn't you asked me if I had AIDS and no one has ever said I have AIDS... they say I have HIV and that doesn't mean I have AIDS. He told me he loved me and that was important. Then he brought me to a hotel room and Dommed me. I cried the whole time but I just couldn't hate him. I justified it by saying that if I had HIV he would not leave me. He promised I could take care of him and that he would take care of me. After we left and I was alone in my car I called my husband on the car phone. I was still hysterical I told him what Jack had told me. He is a very caring person and although he knew I was seeing Jack he still allowed me to stay because he was hoping it was just a phase I was going through.
The next day I called the health department. I was so upset they had a doctor come to my home to talk to me. He got me tested the next day. I had to wait a week of hell to find out if I was positive. Even if I showed negative there would be no guarantee because you can test neg. up to six months after your last sexual constant. The people at the health department didn't think I could handle the diagnosis either way and decided the only way I was to know is if my medical doctor told me. I could hardly get out of bed I was so upset. I had to tell my oldest what was happening.
A week to the day... March 14, 1995 my doctor called and said she had an emergency at the hospital and could I meet her in the emergency room. My husband and I went. They finally called me in. She wasted no time and said we had some bad news from the health department. You are HIV+. As she told me my therapist walked in and so did a nurse with a shot. I was on the floor at this time. I was put on a stretcher and remember crying and telling a nurse I was only lonely. I didn't mean for all this to happen and I don't want to die. The nurse gave me another shot with tears coming down her face. I will never forget that.
I was brought to another hospital by ambulance and put in a mental ward. I was on a suicide watch as I didn't want to live knowing this. The next three weeks were pretty much a blur. I do know that my family was overwrought and so was I just knowing that I brought this on to them. Where was Master through this all... well we talked on the phone. He reassured me that he would be there for me and that I was a good sub and he loved me. He wouldn't come see me because he knew my family wanted to kill him and I think if they had their chance they would of. I was transferred to another hospital where he did come see me once.
Everyone including my doctors couldn't understand why I had no anger toward this man. They don't understand the power that a Top has over a sub. I think this was the hardest thing for my family to deal with. Why no anger? People who didn't even know me before all this couldn't understand this.
Well I got out of the hospital and soon I was seeing Jack regularly again. Yes he told his wife and even left her for awhile but he started to become sick. He gave me numbers of people to call and even brought me to the AIDS center where he went. His wife was a nurse he said and knew how to care for him. He went back to his wife and I went back to the hospital by force. You see when he went back to her he told me he loved me but that he didn't have to much time left. That if we were together and he died he didn't think my family would take me back. He promised to take care of my children financially as he did from the beginning. I flipped out again and intended to kill myself where we use to meet all the time. I called my husband and begged him to forgive me for all I did that in itself was another story. My husband called the police and they came and got me. I was put in a holding cell with a blanket and laid on the floor. I was handled like a leper and it was horrible. Again to another hospital. I didn't stay long and got out. For a couple of weeks Jack would not take my phone calls the anger finally came. When he did talk to me and see me I was different. It finally sunk in EVERYTHING.
The hardest point was knowing that chances are I will not see my son graduate high school or my daughter college. I would not see my grandchildren when they came grow up. Why -- because I wanted to be wanted. I saw Jack a couple of times after that and the last time I saw him he Dommed me. But you see by then I had gotten away enough to see things as they really were. I also met Karen, my Mistress and lover. Yes before she even touched me I told her I had HIV. Yes she is negative. That is also another story.
Master did not give up easily and it was hard for awhile but the final straw was when he told me that he was told I might of gotten HIV elsewhere. Knowing what we did and knowing that I was safe before him finally broke the connection. I finally asked to be released as all through this I was still collared.
Jack died in December. I found out the same day as I was riding in the car to my HIV doctor. Yes I cried and yes I still cried. I believe that he did love me... You see I have to otherwise I couldn't live with the fact that I am going to die all for NOTHING.
This is my story up to last year I know it is long but it is the truth and believe me I could write a book on the things that I left out. My life has changed a lot since the last time I met with Master.
What does this all mean... to me it means let this be a warning. It is to late for me but to all that are just starting or are considering giving up maybe your life for a Master or Visa-versa. It is not necessary to do so to prove you are a wanted and loved person.
If I could go back to the first time I signed on I would. I have lost the respect of my family although they still love me. I have lost friends because they are afraid of me being around them and their children. I have stopped volunteering at the schools because I am afraid of what the parents would do if they knew I had HIV and was working along side of their children. I have to tell doctors. People I meet in the S&M scene I have to tell I have HIV so they can make a decision as to whether or not they want to be collared by me. I do not want anyone to feel the way I did by having this Master not be honest with me. Of course when playing in S&M I am totally safe and have found out that S&M does not mean unsafe play. A simple hug is not so simple anymore. I find myself analyzing did the person who just hugged me hug me if they knew I had HIV even though I know they can't get it. I find myself thinking if this person that has hugged me knew I had HIV would they even hug me. Although Master lays in his grave he has done the ultimate Dom. He has me for the rest of my life. He is a reminder everyday living this. Should anyone have so much power over anyone? Everyday of my life he is a constant reminder by living with this. Karen has been through hell with me with this disease. Let me tell you HIV sucks. Is it worth it?? You decide!!
I am sending a poem that my 13 year old daughter wrote a few months ago. She just turned thirteen in April (1996).
My Hands
As I sit here, with no sound.
No light.
No one.
I look at my hands.
My small hands.
My closed hands.
My hands are closed to the world.
To you.
To every one.
They were once open.
Open to you.
To everyone.
They held love.
Happiness.
Peace.
No longer do they hold these.
They hold memories.
Only anger.
Only fear.
Only sadness.
Should I open them to the world?
Should I let out the anger?
Should I let out the fear?
Should I let out the sadness?
I should let it out.
I should let it out!
Out of my hands.
Out of my hands.
Out of my hands.....
Now that you have read my story I would like to pass on a few things that I think may help others. If you are interested in a new Dom/sub, ask him if anyone on chat knows him/her personally. Find out what your Dom/sub is looking for. Are they the same interests such as do you both not mind if he has more than one sub. Is he into safewords if you are. How far do you both want to get involved in this? If you are going to meet a new Dom/sub. Always meet in a public place. A restaurant etc. Let some one know where you will be. Do not go with the intent of sessioning the first time you both meet.
Always agree on safe and consentual S&M Practices when you do finally first session. Think about the consequences of both of your actions. Such as if you are married is this possibly worth being found out. I also feel that being in this cyber land is like taking a drug for some people. It was like that with me. If this is so... step back for awhile and think about this. Like a drug a lot of this cyber can give you a false high and be dangerous. I am speaking from experience.
Be Safe, Be Happy, Be smart.
Cold As Ice1
© 1998 ColdAsIce
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